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Resiliency and Healthy Boundaries - Checklist + Resources

8/28/2020

In my coaching work with clients the topic of boundaries and healthy boundaries comes up a lot. Almost every client eventually will examine theirs they grow and bounce back.

I shared the above social media post and folks keep asking me – how do you set boundaries? What is a healthy boundary.

Boundaries are defined as the ability to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions. Webster’s defines them as the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after a change happens.

What is a healthy boundary?
I define them as saying yes to what you want to and no to what you don’t want and keeping toxic people’s effects reduced.

Setting Healthy Boundaries
Let’s take a look at setting some healthy boundaries. Here’s a checklist to get you started. You may want to journal your boundary work and keep a living document. Boundaries change as relationships change.

Boundaries Checklist

Realize that boundaries are a sign of healthy living and relationships.
Acknowledge you have boundaries and they are uniquely yours. There are no right or wrong boundaries. They just are
Think of setting personal boundaries as a means of loving, honoring, and taking care of yourself and others.
Consider how your boundaries are working or not working for you?
1. What might you want to do differently? What might be a healthier boundary?
Define your boundaries
1. What do I want to say no to more often or yes to?
2. Why is this boundary important to me?
Where do you want to set boundaries? Personal life, professional life? We often have different home and of boundaries.
Communicate - Make a plan to communicate your boundaries to those involved with a boundary.
1. Work to make the conversation factual and not emotionally laden.
2. Communicate in a loving caring manner – this helps other people know how to respect your boundaries.
3. Keep it short and simple. No explaining or apologizing.
4. You may want to practice stating them.
5. If you cannot keep calm and loving while communicating, you aren’t ready to communicate. Wait until you are.
Consequences - Have a plan of how you will respond when your boundary has been overstepped.
1. Its’ normal to have them overstepped. Think of a pet that now isn’t allowed on the couch. Will they get on the couch? Yes, it’s their habit.
2. It’s going to happen and it’s not personal.
3. The habit of overstepping became a habit.
4. It will take time to change the behavior for both you and the "overstepper."
Stand firm in your boundaries and what you expect. Restate what you want calmly.
1. I know it’s not always easy to be calm, do your best.
Consistent – you must restate it EVERY time it’s overstepped. Even if that’s multiple times a day.
Celebrate the small steps along the way.
1. Celebrate when you have a new boundary defined
2. Celebrate when you’ve stated your boundary to the other person(s)
3. Celebrate and Thank others and celebrate when your boundary has been respected.

Be aware it takes practice and time. Patience and persistence will pay off. Eventually if you are consistent and firm your boundary will be respected. You will be happier and have richer relationships with others as a result. They may even thank you.
I wish for you to develop your healthy boundaries.

I have a few client openings for the fall. I’d be honored to partner with you to help you form a new boundary or learn to communicate one with your loved ones or co-workers. I offer 30min laser coaching at a pay from the heart price. You pay me after we’re complete for each session based on the value you receive.

Yes, really, you set the price for the laser coaching and pay what makes sense for you. Click here to learn more & schedule a session.

Please ask any questions you have. I'd love to hear your thoughts on healthy boundaries.

Peace, blessings,

Teresa – Re-evaluating my healthy boundaries and learning from my amazing clients.

Teresa Q. Bitner, M.Ed., PMP, ACC - Resiliency, Change and Loss Coach
Partnering with those who have been knocked down my life and want to build resiliency and move forward and live a bold life.

[email protected]
www.boldfulfilledlifecoach.com

Author of Soul Love: How A Dog Taught Me to Breathe Again

Here are some of my favorite boundary resources:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud
https://www.boundariesbooks.com/pages/free-boundaries-resources

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead Brene’ Brown
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-set-boundaries-brene-browns-advice

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No by William Ury

http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/Protect-Yourself.htm

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Resilient Communication – Avoiding Communication Collisions

8/9/2020

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Hello and I hope you and yours are well. I took a week off from blogging to take some time off for self-care and rest. Plus, there was some relationship mending and care to be sorted. Bill and I had a communication collision that wasn’t so pretty. The darn pandemic, heat and global tension make it a challenge to communicate effectively.

What is a communication collision. It’s when the conversation starts out ok but then someone says or does something that triggers, upsets, or frustrates you. You know, then you’re off in your head thinking of a great comeback, or not thinking and spewing whatever comes out. That’s what I mean by a communication collision.

When was the last time that happened for you? Maybe it was at work or maybe with a loved one? How do you resolve it? Can it be avoided?

As we were stated trying to explain ourselves to each other the words got louder and snarkier. Then we were yelling and striking below the belt with our words. It ended with us unhappy, avoiding and keeping quiet the rest of the day into the next morning. Meanwhile that voice in my head was going off on Bill. You so and so, you don’t ever, you always, blah blah, blah. That old tape playing in my head. Good old ego trying to justify myself. I was so frustrated and irritated that I felt justified and it wasn’t my issue to solve. So there.

In my morning prayer and meditation time, I was God smacked (no not gob smacked) with the fact that I literally 2 days prior had given a presentation on Conscious Communication for my Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle certification. I KNOW better than this and I have tools to prevent these collisions. Argh. How quickly did I forget it all and resort back to old poor habits? Ouch, that hurt. It also was a terrific learning lesion. We’re all on a journey and learning.

I brought to Bill the Conscious Communications for Emotional Well-Being from the Chopra Center, that I presented based in the work of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. on Non-Violent Communication.

Five steps to conscious communication

1.Observation: Determine the event that triggered you
a.Key describe and observe without judgement or evaluation
b. Objectively without adding any of the “story”

2.Feeling – What are you feeling
a.Your responsible for Your feelings
b.Describe your feelings without blame or victimization words

3.Needs – What do you need that you’re not receiving?
a.Deepak Chopra describes 4 Fundamental needs: Attention, affection, acceptance and appreciation
b.Remember no one is a mind reader and knows what you need

4.Request – Asking for what you need
a.Clearly ask and be specific for what you need
b.Gift in being vulnerable to ask and perhaps not receive what you need

5.What is the blessing, gift in this situation?
a.What did you learn about yourself or the relationship?

So how did it go with Bill and I? It worked well and is an example of resilient communication.

To start, I shared a print out of the steps with Bill again and said I thought this may be of use for us if he was willing. I had mentioned it before my presentation so he was familiar with them. We both took some time with the process to sort out our feelings and needs not met. Steps 3 and 4 can take some time to really sort out what’s going on. We then came together and prayed beforehand. Then each went through the process one step at a time. We both listened with empathy and were honest in our needs and feelings. There was no yelling or snarks. It was an adult level-headed resilient conversation. We understood each other better and understood what each person needed. We still were hurt and not in 100% agreement but we could move through this collision. We considered the process useful.

Later Bill noted what a great idea it was. We’re both grateful for the opportunity to learn how to communicate better and improve our relationship. To help keep us focused we’ve got a print out the steps on the kitchen table for reference. I also keep a set in my office for myself. It’s come in handy with clients for their communication collisions with co-workers and loved ones.

I wish for you and yours that you have great communication and are resilient when you can’t avoid a collision.

Let me know how this resonated with you? Do you have any other resilient communication methods you use?

I have a few client openings for the fall. I’d be honored to partner with you to help you get unstuck and move forward. I’m still offering 30min laser coaching at a pay from the heart price. You pay me after we’re complete for each session based on the value you receive.
Yes, really, you set the price for the laser coaching and pay what makes sense for you. Click here to learn more & schedule a session.

Peace, blessings,

Teresa – Leaning into Resilient Conversation – looking to avoid those collisions

Teresa Q. Bitner, M.Ed., PMP, ACC - Resiliency, Change and Loss Coach
Partnering with those who have been knocked down my life and want to build resiliency and move forward and live a bold life.

[email protected]
www.boldfulfilledlifecoach.com

Author of Soul Love: How A Dog Taught Me to Breathe Again

PS. Want to learn more about Conscious Communication or Nonviolent Communication? Check out the resources below:

The Chopra Center article on conscious communication by Dr. David Simon, M.D.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication(NVC)
Instruction guide for NVC
Psychology Today Blog Articles

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Resiliency and Healthy Boundaries - Checklist + Resources

Resilient Communication – Avoiding Communication Collisions

Teresa Bitner

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