I shared the above social media post and folks keep asking me – how do you set boundaries? What is a healthy boundary.
Boundaries are defined as the ability to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions. Webster’s defines them as the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after a change happens.
What is a healthy boundary?
I define them as saying yes to what you want to and no to what you don’t want and keeping toxic people’s effects reduced.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Let’s take a look at setting some healthy boundaries. Here’s a checklist to get you started. You may want to journal your boundary work and keep a living document. Boundaries change as relationships change.
- Realize that boundaries are a sign of healthy living and relationships.
- Acknowledge you have boundaries and they are uniquely yours. There are no right or wrong boundaries. They just are
- Think of setting personal boundaries as a means of loving, honoring, and taking care of yourself and others.
- Consider how your boundaries are working or not working for you?
- What might you want to do differently? What might be a healthier boundary?
- Define your boundaries
- What do I want to say no to more often or yes to?
- Why is this boundary important to me?
- Where do you want to set boundaries? Personal life, professional life? We often have different home and of boundaries.
- Communicate - Make a plan to communicate your boundaries to those involved with a boundary.
- Work to make the conversation factual and not emotionally laden.
- Communicate in a loving caring manner – this helps other people know how to respect your boundaries.
- Keep it short and simple. No explaining or apologizing.
- You may want to practice stating them.
- If you cannot keep calm and loving while communicating, you aren’t ready to communicate. Wait until you are.
- Consequences - Have a plan of how you will respond when your boundary has been overstepped.
- Its’ normal to have them overstepped. Think of a pet that now isn’t allowed on the couch. Will they get on the couch? Yes, it’s their habit.
- It’s going to happen and it’s not personal.
- The habit of overstepping became a habit.
- It will take time to change the behavior for both you and the "overstepper."
- Stand firm in your boundaries and what you expect. Restate what you want calmly.
- I know it’s not always easy to be calm, do your best.
- Consistent – you must restate it EVERY time it’s overstepped. Even if that’s multiple times a day.
- Celebrate the small steps along the way.
- Celebrate when you have a new boundary defined
- Celebrate when you’ve stated your boundary to the other person(s)
- Celebrate and Thank others and celebrate when your boundary has been respected.
Be aware it takes practice and time. Patience and persistence will pay off. Eventually if you are consistent and firm your boundary will be respected. You will be happier and have richer relationships with others as a result. They may even thank you.
I wish for you to develop your healthy boundaries.
I have a few client openings for the fall. I’d be honored to partner with you to help you form a new boundary or learn to communicate one with your loved ones or co-workers. I offer 30min laser coaching at a pay from the heart price. You pay me after we’re complete for each session based on the value you receive.
Yes, really, you set the price for the laser coaching and pay what makes sense for you. Click here to learn more & schedule a session.
Please ask any questions you have. I'd love to hear your thoughts on healthy boundaries.
Teresa – Re-evaluating my healthy boundaries and learning from my amazing clients.
Teresa Q. Bitner, M.Ed., PMP, ACC - Resiliency, Change and Loss Coach
Partnering with those who have been knocked down my life and want to build resiliency and move forward and live a bold life.
Author of Soul Love: How A Dog Taught Me to Breathe Again
Here are some of my favorite boundary resources:
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud
- Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead Brene’ Brown
- The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No by William Ury