It’s been 10 years since you were unexpectedly taken from us, killed in that darn motorcycle accident. Instantly turning me into a widow and single mom. In so many ways it feels like yesterday. I remember that day vividly and it can still roil my stomach and cause me to clench my teeth. Ten years, also feels like a lifetime ago. So much has profoundly changed forever. I guess it can be both – yesterday and years ago.
Your death has changed and affected so many people's lives. It's been unbelievable the ripple effect you've had and continue to have on others. For me, the first two years were the darkest and hardest years of my life. I’m ever grateful to those that were with me through those dark days. Words cannot express my gratitude. I’ve learned so much through this journey to today, 10 years later.
You knew it would be okay, that dang spirit of yours showing up on your memorial day, telling me "It's All Good." Somehow planting the hope that in 5 years I’d be okay. I didn’t believe you but trusted God to make that happen. God sure led the way.
First, I learned how to lean on others and God. Next, I learned how to forgive. First, that person that killed you, then forgiving others and how they treated us. Then I had to forgive you for dying and leaving us. Lastly, forgiving myself for the hurts I caused myself and others.
I learned how to survive and eventually thrive. I found the inner strength that I had no idea I had. Grit and resiliency were mere words before. Now I embody resiliency and bouncing back. Your death inspired me to help others and start my dream business.
We, the boys and I, have been blessed by what I call “the men angels”. So many great men have stepped up and showed up to be there for the boys in so many ways. I can’t express enough appreciation for them showing up when it was hard and messy. They helped the boys achieve so much.
The hardest thing for me is mourning the fact you are NOT there for the boy’s life events. They don’t have their Dad there to celebrate their major milestones. Damn it, YOU were so needed in those teen years. YOU haven’t been there for their firsts. It still rips my heart open sometimes sending me into a weeping ball.
- You missed both of their High School graduations. We celebrated with parties without YOU.
- You missed the girlfriends and breakups. What does Mom know about that? Nothing.
- You missed their Army basic graduations. Thank God Bill was there – not Dad but step-dad.
- You missed their weddings. Poignant.
- You missed the birth of our first grandchild. Bittersweet.
The life events are fewer in number and have gotten easier as time goes by. It’s been 10 years and we’ve all changed and grown. Thank you for everything and lastly, sharing a parting in such a Kris way.
Your final farewell was so apropos. Just like your “It’s All Good” moment. At a retreat, I was having deep emotional empowering and cleansing moments. You were in my thoughts constantly as we discussed our most challenging time of life, the biggest loss, what has made us grow, where are our hurts originate, and so on.
On the final day and final session, I was sharing for the umpteenth time that weekend, my life story to a partner as part of an exercise. Boom YOU showed up again in spirit. Telling me “It’s okay, we’re complete now. See, I told you It was All Good. Farewell, beloved.”
Then the most astonishing thing happened. The beautiful silver, turquoise and amethyst bracelet you gave me that I hadn’t worn since you died loudly popped and scattered around three rows of chairs off my arm. I fell to the floor in tears, picking up the pieces thinking, “What just happened?, OK, we’re good?, You’re good? Thank you., Why now? and Why here?“
I acknowledged that yes, we were complete, It IS ALL GOOD and that was your final farewell. You will always be in our hearts. Rest in Peace Beloved.
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Much peace, love and blessings,
Teresa Q. Bitner, M.Ed., PMP, ACC - Resiliency, Change and Loss Coach
Partnering with those who have been knocked down my life and want to build resiliency and move forward and live a bold life.
Author of Soul Love: How A Dog Taught Me to Breathe Again
Grief Perspectives: Surviving the Holidays Virtual Group 3 Week Program
The holidays are coming and you’re grieving or maybe someone you know is.
You’re in pain and suffering a loss. You know the holidays are coming but are dreading them. You want to find a safe and supportive place to work through this.
This three-week group program is designed to give you a safe, peaceful place with weekly support and tools for surviving the holidays. You will learn how grief effects you during the holidays and can derail your joy and peace. We will move from discussion to planning. Then taking positive actions to survive and possibly thrive during the holidays while finding hope along the way.
Questions - please ask.
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